Orphan Bennie.

I've decided to give my youngest son away. If there is anyone out there looking to care for orphaned children, I've got an even better opportunity for you. How about premeditated orphaning - that way I can hand over all my medical records, pictures, keepsakes, not to mention diapers and wipes, his favorite shirts, the things he likes to sleep with, notes on his daily routine. Anything to make the transition seem less inconvenient for those about to claim him.

Please understand, I couldn't realistically include every detail of our every day in the notes -- (clear throat) his ability to squeal loud enough to alarm the goat farm next door, his tendency to play in unflushed toilets, his determination to kick and twist at the mere mention of a diaper change, his desire for sitting in planters and creating shovels from Mom's nice spoons, his ability to ingest anything and everything without turning blue or having his stomach pumped, his instinctual ability to climb atop anything above floor level and jump and pound and break and laugh and cackle and scream and dance and..., his desire for anything that isn't 'kid friendly' and his even greater desire to withstand all forms of corporal punishment in order to have it.

Benjamin goes from happy to pissed in moments; he goes from slow to fast before I even realize he's been unstrapped; from full to hungry within moments of someone else getting served; he colors on everything and chews on everything; he blows in his nose into his hands as hard as he can and laughs; he angers his brother in what looks to be innocence but due to the thoughtfulness I've come to know better; he cooks atop my gas stove top without me realizing whats happening; he unearths things such as dead mosquito-eaters, rusty scissors, broken glass and poopy diapers... he opens doors and opens boxes and opens bags and... and... DUMPS THEM OUT!

You may think that I would be better at 'teaching' him. I would too. I don't blame you... I used to judge people with a child such as this. Although, those people chuckled and couldn't resist the 'charm' of their child. That's where we differ.

Bennie FOR SALE. Comes with papers, diapers and clothes. Please bring me a bottle of good wine in exchange.