Lexapro - my lifeline.

I'm depressed.

Its always been an issue but it wasn't until my daughter was born that I owned it and dealt with it. Maybe because when the doctor asked if I'd consider hurting her I responded with a somewhat drunk-meets-hyperactive 'yes! do you? I mean I know she's not yours but when you think about her do you think about hurting her? not that you've ever met her but do you ever wonder why polar bear cubs don't make it through the first year of life? No Doc! You're wrong! They don't starve - the mother eats them! Yeah... Yeah... so that's how I'm feeling! You?! Do you ever feel that way?!'

As the doctor looks at me, he casually grabs the baby from my shaking arms and hands her to the CPS agent recently called to the scene... I'm whisked away from the life I knew just moments before and I'm being pumped full of fluids and meds.

At least that's how those moments felt right before I answered the question, 'do you ever think of hurting her?' The doctor looked so casual as though this would be a question at any child's 2 week appointment.

I paused. I carefully thought through my answer. He wouldn't ask if he didn't have some sort of resolve for the answer I'm about to give. 'Yes. I think about hurting her. Or just not feeding her. Both and.'

He looks down at his prescription paper pad and clicks his pen, legs crossed at the ankle and knee he begins scribbling. He rips the paper off its stub and hands me hope that life will be different from now on.

With Katie, I lived on samples due to my insurance not paying for the brand my doc recommended. I was on them for 3 months and went off cold-turkey with little to no side effects. With William my OB/GYN put me on them at 36 weeks of pregnancy -- she mentioned that she would much rather have a baby go through 'withdrawals' than a Mother who's suicidal. AMEN! I was on them for 6 months - another round of samples due to insurance. With Benjamin I went with what I knew -- I've been on the anti-depressants since I was 36 weeks pregnant with Ben. I'm 18 months past the birth and have discovered through trial and error that my ability to function without the Lexapro is less than desirable. I take the lowest dose possible and find that the 'edge' of irritation and anger is ever so wonderfully 'curbed'. I'm able to not care about the sticky floors although I'm kind of perturbed that I have to mop - again; I let the kids paint although I'm kind of impatient with my youngest painting himself and his clothes... I find that I'm not 'happy-go-lucky', I'm simply a high-functioning depressed individual. Although the 'depressed' that I feel while on Lexapro is comparable to the regular wear and tear of raising a child...

It feels good to be normal.