Confidence in my shamelessness.

Usually that confidence is accompanied by some snide remark about how it should be ok when I'm feeling chilled and nauseous all day to stay in my sweats, drive to school unshowered and in flip flops... but lets face it, that defensive reaction comes from my concern that there will be no way to appease the outside world so its best to succumb to a fake form of confidence and put up my dukes - ready for opposition and judgement.

But not today. Today God told me that He would bless me and that I was to sit still. Allow Him to work. And trust that He would bring everything together. I was quietly confident in my inability to accomplish anything; but more than that, I was obedient in not accomplishing what I thought necessary to accomplish. I walked around the house without turning the TV on since lately Kyle and I have felt strongly that our children's misbehavior and lack of ability to focus is another symptom of too much TV in their lives. And although I thought it would be easier to turn on the TV, I felt that that was actually a lie. The repercussions would be such that I'd be entertaining them and fighting for moments alone once the entertainment seized to entertain.

The kids took care of me... their words were (for the most part) kind to each other and loving in very mature ways. William spent 10 minutes this morning stroking my forehead while I laid in bed (in obedience to what Kyle asked him to do! too cute!)... Katie helped around the house without me asking... Ben was surprisingly less vocal about his disgust at not getting his way... yes, God is good. Friends cared. There's always Valet. And Kyle proves to be a doctor of sorts when the rubber meets the road.

Thank you Lord for today. Although I'm tired and sick I can still see your face in all of it.

Wanting the Wonderland.

Tonight I smiled.

I stared out the window as I sat in the back of my in laws' SUV. No, not in the middle back... in the way back. You know, the little seat that sits about 6-8 inches above the middle back seat and therefore drives your knees into your chest... I stared out the window with a mysterious smile on my face as we sped towards the town's Christmas festivities. The trees sped by us, the whur of the wheels was constant and low hum of WARM's music played to the right and to the left. Though I was in the presence of folk who don't usually indulge themselves in the 'magic of the season' I found myself 'defiantly?' enjoying the moments of being imaginative again and allowing my children the freedom to believe in something so fun and overly dramatized as SANTA CLAUS.

Katie was dressed in her Christmas best - a pair of black Mary Jane heels with white socks... a pair of jeans... a Costco Christmas dress with blue sparkles, velveted breast and long sleeves. She wore a satin white winter coat with Grandma Schei's scarf hanging proudly around her neck. William was lost in thought as he considered where the car was headed and what we were up to... I'm sure he thought of why we weren't already there and, if so important, why it wouldn't spontaneously appear without all 'the work'. He then began thinking of the sprinklers at the park last summer, Claire's birthday party cupcakes-on-a-stick, having to go pee, Mrs. Pawley's wonderful face and the dog that looked like Annie.

Ben was completely consumed by the 'minty thing' that he got to have at the start of the trip to town that everyone keeps telling him 'no' about... he WANTS HE WANTS HE WANTS. But due to his inability to execute the appropriate 'MORE' sign, it seems that no one is allowing him another. If only he could bring himself to stop rubbing his chest emphatically in a circular motion... (and people say that teaching children and dogs is SO different.)

We arrived and what I thought would be a 100 ft. Christmas tree turned out to be a gigantic version of Charlie Brown's classic Christmas tree. Hung from it were large what-looked-to-be-homemade Christmas ornaments and large 80s bulb lights. It brought a smile to my face and I melted into a puddle of Holiday magic in a moment... we watched as Santa arrived in a fire truck, people were shuttled up and down the street in a horse and sleigh, and kids sat atop Dad's shoulders as Santa and the elves lit the Christmas tree.

"SEVEN... SIX... FIVE... FOUR... THREE... TWO... ONE..." The top half of the tree lit. I clapped and smiled with such joy because it was REAL. Thank God it was REAL. Life isn't perfect. Life isn't always predictable. Life is just... well, beautiful. So, let yourself imagine Santa Claus can be here to light the town Christmas tree -- away from the hustle and bustle of the toy shop at the North Pole. Let yourself imagine that the coffee in your hand is the World's best hot chocolate and you're sipping through candy canes. Let yourself imagine that this year Santa will be leaving a gift for YOU and not just the kids.

Maybe this year (the bottom of the Christmas tree finally lights)... maybe this year you will care more about creating an imaginative land for your little one because you remember - if even for a moment - how wonderful it was to countdown the 25 days to Christmas... leave cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer...

Consider creating a 'chain' for the kiddos -- you have 2 days.

Life is good.

Man, I miss this... and I will miss them...

Tonight is a night that I intentionally hunker down to the computer because I have so many things to get done aside from writing about the things to get done...

But due to the above tots being my children (were their Mom and Dad to lose their lives - morbid, I know... please get over it), I couldn't help but process my thoughts out loud and well... blog. These two little girls are my responsibility in a way that is unique. I love them... and they're moving.

The other day Rebecca asked C, 'where is our new home?' And C replied, 'Charlotte, North Carolina!' as she looked at me with such pride on her face. She doesn't yet realize how far that 'new home' is...

But God will be with her.

Rebecca and I met at a church in Bellingham. She was the Exec Assistant and I had nothing on her. I was merely a girl grasping for any opportunity to make money and, in the process, glean some wisdom from those who had gone before me. I was attracted to Rebecca's detailed (not to mentioned ORGANIZED) personality immediately. She, 'J', 'N' and 'E' were a force to be reckoned with... and I was lucky enough to be accepted into the 'fold' per se.

Mark and I see 'eye to eye' because we are introverts... Rebecca and Kyle see 'eye to eye' because they are NOT. We have lived together (yes, all 4 of us - NO kids! Imagine!)... and it was one of the most comfortable times of our lives - at least for Kyle and I. We love them and adore their friendship.

We will forever be dear friends.

Patience in REFINEment.

Everything in me is being exposed. All my sin.

Three months ago one of my dearest friends called me out on my lack of intention in our friendship. She was humble in the email and founded in her remarks. What she didn't realize at the time was that the Spirit had placed her there at that moment, writing an e-mail to a woman who had become lackadaisical in those friendships closest to her. Not just the one at hand, but she was unveiling truths that only the Spirit had access to.

The woman she was speaking to was me. I had to see it or there would be a cemetery's worth of dead friendships to visit with nothing more than tears and flowers to show.

I read her words, and though they mentioned 'resentment towards' me, I felt nothing other than love. Her words were honest and fair; her judgment was accurate and her heart was pure. It brought me to a place of repentance.

I was being REFINEd. And this was only the beginning.

Recently I was in a difficult place with someone dearest to my heart - and to say this, I mean I would take a bullet for her; I would run in front of a speeding train just to be sure she was safe; it would take nothing more than a look of 'need' for me to drop everything and run to her aide. I love her and think of her often... in the midst of a difficult decision, I hurt her tremendously but I did it for nothing more than God to have His Way with her. I laid down my desires to be sure that His desires were fulfilled - He brought me to a place, once again, where I had to seek Him first.

I was being REFINEd. And this wasn't the end.

Most recently I received a call from someone who has played a leading role in my life over the last few months. The phone call was the culmination of many uneasy conversations in the recent weeks and by the end of the call I wasn't sure which way was up and which way was down - I was 'this close' to spitting in order to figure it out. I was being told there would be no further communication between the two of us for reasons that are extremely personal and painful to broach on such a public forum. My character was being mocked and my integrity was being taken into question. I cannot remember the last time this amount of spiritual whip lashing occurred aside from when I almost buried my closest friendship. Yet this time, I felt like my maturity and integrity were intact but God was wanting to refine me.

Again, being REFINEd.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds...