i just spent umpteenth minutes reading old blog posts ('umpteenth' because i cannot imagining looking over my shoulder at the clock to calculate accurately) - i'm amazed by myself and my abilities in the past. i imagine its not unlike our mums looking at images of themselves from their wedding day and gasping in delight at how lovely they are.
i did that tonight. i giggled. i belly-laughed. i recited parts from my blog out loud to the others in the room... and then with a feeling in my gut of almost devastation, i quieted myself and continued looking through the 'older posts'. it was close to 'reading above the tears' as i read my most recent old blog post (if that makes any sense) -- i was feeling defeated.
i want to be 'with it', i really do. but as rebecca and i spoke about this afternoon, its like raking leaves during a windstorm. and so i will try and capture every brain cell, lock it up, and tell it to hold still until the moment comes when i have time to use it properly.
as for now, i'm simply trying to raise the next generation.
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