beautiful mess

For a couple months now I've been bitten repeatedly by the lies of the Enemy:

Krista, you live a 'woe is me' life.

Krista, you're always the 'victim'.

Krista, you're unstable and people are beginning to shy away from you.

Krista, no one wants to hear about your struggles anymore.

Krista, you need to be grateful for what you have and not cry out for help anymore.

Krista, your instability is something you need to own.

Krista, your struggles are a consequence of the life you and Kyle have chosen.

Krista, these struggles are something you need to be okay with or change the circumstances around you.

Krista, stop vying for peoples' attention with your stories and blogs.

Krista, you are not welcome anymore.

Krista, stop 'victimizing' yourself right now.  In this moment.  Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and hold your head high - you have so much to be thankful for!

I need to repent and ask forgiveness to each of you who read my blog consistently - I know you're out there as I have so many conversations with you throughout the week and its as though we have coffee together everyday!  You know where my heart is at and what is happening in my life... it brings me joy that I can share these moments with you...

Why do I need to repent and ask forgiveness?  I have had days where I succumb to these lies of the Enemy and I behave accordingly -- I don't blog about my struggles.  I don't talk about being tight financially or the aloofness that seems to drop on me like a cloud when my days are busy and I'm watching four, five, six little ones.  I don't tell you that I begged my doctor last week (who is male) to 'take me off Lexapro because I don't want to have sex when I'm on it.  I want to want to have sex again!'  I don't blog about the suffering that I'm experiencing in my day to day because I'm supposed to be grateful for the things I have and not dwell on the hard things.  I don't want to tell you that this morning while watching Cat in the Hat with the kiddos, still in my pajamas with my hair haphazardly pulled back, the door bell rang.  Who is at my door at 8:15 in the morning?  I peer out the shades as Jen's lovely face grins back at me... of course!  Jen is dropping off Jack and Georgia this morning on her way to Max's school!  I'm taking them to school today!  I don't tell you about those moments and I should... I should because that's why you come back to this blog.  You connect, you feel normal, you are reminded that you don't have to be Superwoman.  You're reminded that in comparison to Him, we are sinful and struggling and finite and fallible... and that's why we need Him. 

Yesterday afternoon I walked into my huge walk-in closet and began sorting laundry... as I lifted out the dirty laundry one by one, pulling it right-side out and placing it in the appropriate pile - I gave up.  I sat on the floor and let the weariness and desire to scream out obscenities and truths of how I feel to the Lord overwhelm me.  I sobbed and I sobbed and I begged for him to move Kyle and I far away... away from how painful it is everyday to watch as my life is infused with these lies of the Enemy.  To watch as people I love walk cautiously around the large pink elephant in the middle of the room in fear that they might gossip or offend.  I want to be gone and I want to know what's going to happen next... I want to know whether or not Arc will have enough money in the bank this month to pay Kyle... I want to know if we can move... I want to know what we can afford... I want to know so much... and I just needed to lay that before Him.

He was preparing me for this moment for a couple of days now.  In Daniel 5:27 it says, 'Tekel: You have been weighed on the scales and found wanting'... Tekel was written on the wall of King Belshazzar's castle and in trepidation and fear he called out for the sorcerers and astrologers to interpret what this floating hand had written before him.  They were perplexed and had no answers... Daniel was summoned and God spoke through him.  King Belshazzar was weighed on the scale and found wanting - he was counterfeit and empty; he was naked and speechless and his unrighteousness was a disgrace to the Holy God of Israel.  King Belshazzar wasn't rending his clothes and suffering with Christ - he was rejoicing in the things he had... interesting.

Over the recent days, I've asked God to keep me from 'wanting'... to keep me righteous through His work on the cross and give me peace as Kyle and I move through the desert that we sometimes feel we're in.  To not be swayed by the whispers of the Enemy but instead let my heart break and ask God to fill me with his righteousness - may we not be like the Israelites when God says in Isaiah 48:1 'you who take oaths in the name of the Lord and invoke the God of Israel - but not in truth or righteousness...'  The Superwoman mentality is beautiful when its not dependent on the circumstances of your life but instead dependent on peace from the Lord - and though my circumstances seem dismal at times and I feel unstable and aloof, as I'm sure you do too, God always brings me back to Him and reminds me who I am...

Isaiah 48:17 'This is what the Lord says - your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go...'

I pray that today you will be honest with yourself... that this post will remind you that suffering with Christ means that we will also share in His glory!  That though sometimes it seems all your hard work is in vain and your desire to walk through the mire in humility is not noticed - know that God sees it. 

In Isaiah 49:4 it says, 'But I said, "I have labored to no purpose; I have spent my strength in vain and for nothing.  Yet what is due me is in the Lord's hand, and my reward is with my God."

Let's not pretend to have it all together... let's get dirty together and drag each other back to the cross.

And though we all have our thoughts about Amy Grant, Vince Gill and Gary Chapman... take a moment, if you so wish, to listen to this song.  It played for me the day the Enemy riddled me with his lies -- on my way home I held my head high and decided to be okay... until this song played.

Better Than a Hallelujah - Amy Grant