Depression.

Depression.

Is.

Lonely.


I've always dealt with depression - anyone I went to high school with can attest to that.  I remember those days well.  The idea that everything "bad" that was happening to you was because the world hated you and didn't want you to succeed.  Or worse yet, the idea that God wanted to squash you with his pointy, knobby finger because He wanted to teach you a lesson in humility.  You lay on your queen size bed, looking out your window as your boyfriend (er, ex-boyfriend) runs the city with his smile and leaves you in his wake... pathetic, lifeless, worth nothing and just plain not cool enough. 

The fact of the matter is.  Nobody thinks about me that much.  And that's not a pity-party.  No its the fact of the matter - I've said it to other people dealing with depression and a low self-image.  Surprisingly, it helps tremendously.  I wish I had realized that in those moments (hindsight is 20/20, no?) - nobody was ever thinking about me as much as I thought they were thinking about me.  My egocentrism was the only thing crushing my ability to function and their ability to move on with life and find the joy in the moment was their strength and confidence NOT their hatefulness.

Years later, immediately following the birth of my daughter, Catherine, it all came rushing back.  The darkness.  The inability to function.  The inability to ward off the anxiety of feeling like all eyes were on you and everyone was laughing at your stupidness.  When the doc asked if I'd ever thought of hurting my 3 week old and I replied with a dumbfounded why-are-you-even-asking 'yes' is when I came to and began the journey of really dealing with the depression at hand...

I've been on medication on and off now since that moment after Katie was born.  One of my closest friends has been on medication for years and we've had a lot of discussion regarding it... but that's not where I'm going with this post so don't hold your breath.

This week recently has been darker than what my average depression spike (ironic I know) has ever brought.  Today at Bible Study Fellowship I wrote these words as a prayer to the Lord...

God please free me from this attack!

Have mercy on me Lord please!!

It feels heavy and uncomfortable.

It feels lonely and awkward.

It feels like Your blessing is surpassing me!

Yet what is Your blessing?!

Its being in obedience to You.

I dealt with sweat and anxiety.  It felt like the entire room wondered why I thought I was 'all that'... it felt like they were just waiting to pounce on me with sober judgment and keep me 'in my place'.  I wanted to walk out of the room giving the bird to all the ladies as I hung my tail between my legs, gather my children and walk quickly to my car in hopes of freedom. 

But my only freedom is in Christ.  This was nothing my medication was going to solve.  Jesseca sent me to this scripture tonight... thank you, Jess.  It speaks so beautifully to what I'm wrestling with...

O Lord hear my prayer,

listen to my cry for mercy;

in your faithfulness and

righteousness

come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into 

judgment,

for no one living is

righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the

ground;

he makes me dwell in

darkness

like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within

me;

my heart within me is

dismayed.

I remember the days of long

ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your

hands have done.

I spread out my hand to

you;

my soul thirsts for you like a

parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from

me

or I will be like those who go

down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in

you.

Show me the way I should 

go,

for to you I lift up my

soul.

Rescue me from my enemies,

O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord,

preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence

my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

Amen.