Fun with HDR.

HDR photography stands for High Dynamic Range photography and is a technique that I've been studying up on lately -- its fascinating and opens up some great opportunities for photographs where I'd never thought of taking photographs before... I cannot wait to practice this in a room where the daylight is spilling in.

Can you see the difference in the before and after shots below? The first picture is a picture taken with 'proper' exposure. The second photograph is an image created by merging nine shots of the same image taken at different exposures. This is only the third try EVER for me... but its better than my first, guaranteed. Oh... not to mention the fabulous lens I'm using - Nikkor 14-24mm f2.8 - its dreamy. I rented it for a 6 month baby shoot I have tomorrow... ahh, glass... who knew it could be so beautiful?

If you need help, be sure to look closely at the backboard of the bar; underneath the dining room table; the 'noise' and lack thereof on the pillar; the bookshelf... etc. Amazing, eh?!

Enjoy my enjoyment. :)

the M's

this day will forever have wonderful memories for me... the day i stepped back into photography after feeling the Lord's leading. what an incredible entrance - not speaking of my skill... but instead speaking of the family i got to shoot. the M's have been given a heavy last couple months and they were a testimony to me as i spent the afternoon in a field with them. it was beautiful... i thank the Lord for this intimate opportunity -- and a special shout out to my 'assistant' during this fantastic time.

here are some of the images - enjoy!

blessings to each of you... thank you again.

Depression.

Depression.

Is.

Lonely.


I've always dealt with depression - anyone I went to high school with can attest to that.  I remember those days well.  The idea that everything "bad" that was happening to you was because the world hated you and didn't want you to succeed.  Or worse yet, the idea that God wanted to squash you with his pointy, knobby finger because He wanted to teach you a lesson in humility.  You lay on your queen size bed, looking out your window as your boyfriend (er, ex-boyfriend) runs the city with his smile and leaves you in his wake... pathetic, lifeless, worth nothing and just plain not cool enough. 

The fact of the matter is.  Nobody thinks about me that much.  And that's not a pity-party.  No its the fact of the matter - I've said it to other people dealing with depression and a low self-image.  Surprisingly, it helps tremendously.  I wish I had realized that in those moments (hindsight is 20/20, no?) - nobody was ever thinking about me as much as I thought they were thinking about me.  My egocentrism was the only thing crushing my ability to function and their ability to move on with life and find the joy in the moment was their strength and confidence NOT their hatefulness.

Years later, immediately following the birth of my daughter, Catherine, it all came rushing back.  The darkness.  The inability to function.  The inability to ward off the anxiety of feeling like all eyes were on you and everyone was laughing at your stupidness.  When the doc asked if I'd ever thought of hurting my 3 week old and I replied with a dumbfounded why-are-you-even-asking 'yes' is when I came to and began the journey of really dealing with the depression at hand...

I've been on medication on and off now since that moment after Katie was born.  One of my closest friends has been on medication for years and we've had a lot of discussion regarding it... but that's not where I'm going with this post so don't hold your breath.

This week recently has been darker than what my average depression spike (ironic I know) has ever brought.  Today at Bible Study Fellowship I wrote these words as a prayer to the Lord...

God please free me from this attack!

Have mercy on me Lord please!!

It feels heavy and uncomfortable.

It feels lonely and awkward.

It feels like Your blessing is surpassing me!

Yet what is Your blessing?!

Its being in obedience to You.

I dealt with sweat and anxiety.  It felt like the entire room wondered why I thought I was 'all that'... it felt like they were just waiting to pounce on me with sober judgment and keep me 'in my place'.  I wanted to walk out of the room giving the bird to all the ladies as I hung my tail between my legs, gather my children and walk quickly to my car in hopes of freedom. 

But my only freedom is in Christ.  This was nothing my medication was going to solve.  Jesseca sent me to this scripture tonight... thank you, Jess.  It speaks so beautifully to what I'm wrestling with...

O Lord hear my prayer,

listen to my cry for mercy;

in your faithfulness and

righteousness

come to my relief.

Do not bring your servant into 

judgment,

for no one living is

righteous before you.

The enemy pursues me,

he crushes me to the

ground;

he makes me dwell in

darkness

like those long dead.

So my spirit grows faint within

me;

my heart within me is

dismayed.

I remember the days of long

ago;

I meditate on all your works

and consider what your

hands have done.

I spread out my hand to

you;

my soul thirsts for you like a

parched land.

Answer me quickly, O Lord;

my spirit fails.

Do not hide your face from

me

or I will be like those who go

down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word

of your unfailing love,

for I have put my trust in

you.

Show me the way I should 

go,

for to you I lift up my

soul.

Rescue me from my enemies,

O Lord,

for I hide myself in you.

Teach me to do your will,

for you are my God;

may your good Spirit

lead me on level ground.

For your name's sake, O Lord,

preserve my life;

in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble.

In your unfailing love, silence

my enemies;

destroy all my foes,

for I am your servant.

Amen.

Obedience.

'I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing' John 15:5

'the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control' Galations 5:22

'(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord' Ephesians 5:9-10
 
As I've been in scripture, God has revealed to me what it looks like to 'remain in Him' and that only when I remain in Him will I begin to see what pleases His heart, the works that He's prepared in advance for me to do (see Ephesians 2:10) and the fruit that comes from that obedience.

****

The process of obedience is so beautiful and demands nothing less than submission to Him.  Kyle and I spoke the other night and he had tears in his eyes... in the midst of the world seeming unstable it was rather ironic that we were feeling a sense of urgency to 'stop trying so hard'.  STOP trying to make more money; STOP trying to make 36 hours fit into 24; STOP trying... STOP STOP STOP.  The thing was that its not that we had just had this revelation -- no, we've had this revelation zillions of times in the past but it was THIS one that seemed even more beautiful than the one before.  Maybe because its just that much closer to the heart of Jesus.

Today Kyle and I feel more sure of the outcome because we've stopped trying to help ourselves -- no, the cliche that 'God helps those who help themselves' is a twisted form of approaching the concept that in daily circumstances we are not to lazily sit in hopes that God the Almighty drops things in our lap without us lifting a finger -- that's the opposite end of the twisted spectrum.  When we actively seek Him, find out what pleases His heart, act in response to that and draw closer to Him, we will find ourselves right where He wants us.

In His will.  And I cannot imagine being anywhere else.

What do I know of holy?

As I sit in my living room with quietness all around me I hear the phantom sound of a car horn.  The car accident behind me from only moments ago when I dropped the kids off at preschool was surreal as parents and children dropped out of their cars like dead bugs from jar... some appeared and immediately stood motionless as they peered across the parking lot at the head on collision.  Others walked like robots as though completely unaware of the scene all around them - eyes focused on the pavement, preschooler and Mom hand in hand walking purposefully towards the entrance.

I signed the kids in valet-style and pulled from the parking lot in an attempt to quickly disengage from the story... the further I got the quieter the horn - but I can still hear it in my head.  I pulled through and dropped Nolan off at the elementary school only blocks away and headed towards home... my heart was heavy with the sudden news of brain and breast cancer in a friend and I was summoned to photograph the family before she loses all her hair; the horn is still playing in my head... the conversation with my husband earlier in the day saying that all the funds have dried up that were once being used to resource the obedience God was calling us to in ministry; my heart and confidence for photography - knowing that it is a passion and now is the time to get back in the game... what beautiful timing;  my dear friend and her kids having spent a week with us unexpectedly and the pain that will come when she leaves.

The girl in front of me at the stoplight turns her mirror so that she can see as she wipes unwanted lipstick from the edges of her lips - what looks to be bead necklaces hang from her rear view mirror as if to broadcast a memorable trip to Bourban Street.  I had nothing for her -- wipe your lipstick and get on with your day.  Be sure to wax and shed a few pounds while you're at it... I know I'd likely do the same thing on any other day.

The van drove forward through the intersection and down 35th but I felt like I was standing completely motionless.  Houses and street signs whirred past me; cars came to a stop as I drove by - drivers looking left then right then left again before pulling into traffic - I watch in my rear view mirror.  I have found myself, once again, in a spot of absolute submission to a Holy God.  deep sigh

What do I know of holy? 

Leviticus 11:44 "I am the Lord your God; consecrate yourselves (give yourself entirely to him) and be holy, because I am holy."  So what is holy?
Romans 12:1 "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices (give yourself entirely to Him!), holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship."  So what is holy?

Of holy.  I know only what He has told me in His Word.  He is Holy.  I know that He was sinless, I know that He is God and I know that He is the Holy Spirit.  He is Holy.  I know that He has provided me with life and I know He will control my death.  He is Holy.  I know that life with Him is eternal and I know that death is nothing to fear.  He is Holy.  I know that death apart from Him is eternity without Him and all that is holy.  Because He is Holy.

I am not holy.  I submit to a holy God and am justified in His death.  Because of Him I am dead to sin and alive in Christ; I have hope in whats to come - Jesus said about me in John 17:15 "My prayer is not that you would take [her] out of the world but that you would protect [her] from the evil one."  It is only in our sufferings that we will come to a full understanding of our need for Him and His grace which was possible because He is Holy - we will be set apart in those moments of suffering as He conquers all that the world brings and holds us in His love (John 16:33)...  and we will soon share in His glory (Romans 8:17.)

I commune with a Holy God.  I commune with Thee Holy God.  Daily I watch Him and desire Him.  I hope for what He offers and find that He is faithful in His promises.

I know of Holy and am eager to submit to a God who is. 

Eager to submit daily. 

Mute.

Deep exhaustion sets up camp tonight.

It has been months of 33.333...% of my children being sick on any given day; 100% of my children yapping about the whos done whats in the wheres and whys from dreams to preschool - 66% of those children use intelligable words which leaves me about 33+% further away from the hoped-for sanity I will some day find; my desire to write and photograph has been on the up swing and so my moments focused away from my children and spouse has been increasing which leaves 100% of my children feeling less than coddled and 100% of my spouse feeling less than sexed-up; one of my dearest friends arrived from North Carolina with her two children for 4 days and there've been tea parties, dance parties, arguments and screaming, laughing and maintaining to boot - currently in house we have GG (1 year old), Benjamin (2 years old), CK (3 years old), William (4 years old) and Katie (5 years old) and the party has NOT STOPPED -- and after the kids go to bed is when our party begins; my youngest 33.33...% woke with a fever this morning, my middle asked 6 times to play Lego Star Wars before lunch and my eldest calapsed in a pile of tears due to any number of over stimuli only to be shaken from her egocentrism by Hanna Montanaesque humor and the silly faces of Charli Katie -- for goodness' sake; the doctors appointment today told me 14 days on Augmentin and then a possible 2 months on provolactic just may cure my son's 'strep carrier' symptoms; my 'indoor and away from people' days have been used up and the Boss is mercifully providing me with perspective that some days things will change - likely with surgery; my belly, though being 'flat' from one perspective (clothed) is not necessarily being tightened by my aerobic lifestyle and its my pride that is being stripped of its existence - I will forever wear a one-piece; ...

I'm exhausted.

The things I let slide:
- moon sand on the floor
- children unsupervised in the bath (see pic of soap suds - an entire bottle of baby bath was opened)
- pajamas all day (holla' to Julie Chavez)
- no shower for Mom
- diaper-paleesque smell in my van
- McDs drive through
- oops, another glass of wine
- sleeping while the kids watch Peter Pan
- no spot mopping
- cereal for lunch -- possibly POPS
- dried childrens paints on my front stoop

...

Amen for bedtime and for sleeping kids. 

06:30 is coming quick.