Submission.

Today was Day #4 of the 3 Day Potty Training Method. 

We awoke this morning to a wet toddler bed and an even wetter Benjamin... but I would not be swayed.  We went through our usual morning routine of Sid the Science Kid and Dinosaur Train, breakfast and coffee - not necessarily in that order.  We canceled church as everyone was sick and took the low road of just spending some quality family time on the couch.

Around 10:45am, I equipped Kyle on the ins and outs of 'oh yuck!  your underwear's not dry anymore... yuck! yuck!' and rushing Benjamin to the bathroom to change his wet drawers and remind him that he is to 'keep his underwear dry' and 'tell DADDY when he needs to go potty'.  I, on the other hand, took off to Costco... I 'needed' to buy Katie a dress for a wedding next week (and who can beat $14.99?), I needed bread, a mop - a rather random assortment of things.  As life would have it, I also needed a bag of Cheddar & Sour Cream Kettle Chips, an extra dress for Katie, a matching dress for my niece, a bag of Kirkland Organic Tortilla chips and beer. 

I needed a hole in the head.  I needed to get OUT of my house and away from the demands of potty training.  I needed to get away from the sight of cleaning bottles, towels, dirty laundry and wet drawers sitting on the stairs.  I needed to get away from hearing my own voice in my head every moment of the day reminding Ben to... well, you know...

I needed to get away from the sight of Benjamin's face every time he started peeing in his drawers and was looking at me to 'do something' about it.  He looked at me as though he wished it wasn't happening but it was and he knew it wasn't 'supposed to'.  It was exhausting to me.  It was wrong of me.

It was wrong of me to potty train Ben.  This method is the method to use, I will fight it tooth and nail if you even begin to argue it... but not for me right now.

Once arriving home from Costco, mop standing next to me like a pitch fork in hand, I was proud as a peacock.  My son didn't want diapers after all and so I would do all I could to be sure to give him what he deserves.  To be potty trained.  To be a big boy.  To be better than other kids. 

Everyone went to bed for the afternoon and I poured myself a glass of Guinness Draught as I began to mop... the residue on the floor was more than I could bare and it was due time to clean it.  The in-laws were coming for goodness' sake!  I can live on peed on floors.  Heavens, so can Katie and Will!  So can Kyle!  But not the in-laws... no.  They deserve to walk into a pristine environment, feeling welcomed.  Feeling as though their daughter-in-law is ON TOP OF THINGS.  I would hate for it to look otherwise.

All of a sudden, everything around me came to a screeching halt - much like the Matrix move when everything freezes while the camera spins around the main subject, getting increasingly closer and closer until you see that they have just realized there's a gun pointed at the back of their head.  My face was frozen as I stopped mid-mop... and I began tearing up.  This was not about Benjamin -- this was about Krista.  This was not about him being potty-trained.  This was about Krista.  I had effectively put Ben in the line of fire so that I could retain my 'wanna-be-Super-Mom' persona... and he was getting the brunt of my disobedience. 

Did I like the relationship I had with Katie and Will during this time?  I didn't have one.  They watched TV and cried about how much their eyes itched (pink eye) or how they needed a kleenex.  It was rather annoying.

Did I like who Benjamin was during this time?  Well, of course not... but sometimes life is just hard and you've gotta be 'roughed up' a bit - makes you a better person.  And really, being potty trained is one of the better qualities.

Did I enjoy that time with the Holy Spirit - asking for direction and strength and perspective? 

(screeching tires coming to a stop inserted here)

... I set my mop down, walked out to the garage, and as though I was sleep-walking, began loading my arms up with Pampers.  I then reengaged with myself and felt my heart sink for my kiddos... a quick flash of the last four days went racing through my head...

I walked inside and began climbing the stairs to the kids' room when the phone rang.  I almost melted in a puddle thinking that it was my mother-in-law, Kathy, saying that they were only moments away.  I needed this time for myself... this time to reconnect with Benjamin... this time to pray to my Father and ask for help as He humbled me and dragged me, ever-so-roughly back to the Cross.

((((Rebecca Nordyke))))

was calling.  My dear friend from North Carolina.  Oh thank you Lord.  I really need a her voice at this very moment.

I picked it up... and within moments of our conversation beginning she said, "Krista, I'm calling because I want to tell you that I read your blog this morning and you need to give yourself a break..."  I started crying.  My God is a gracious God.  He didn't need to affirm my conviction of only moments ago.  I deserve absolutely nothing and yet He lovingly embraced me by filling Rebecca with the Holy Spirit's voice to call me and tell me what He needed to tell me.  Rebecca, thank you for your obedience - I will remember this very moment for the rest of my life as a mother... in other words, for the rest of my life. 

Between the moments of beginning my conversation with her and our saying 'goodbye', I had retrieved Ben from his bed, laid him on the floor in a 'baby-like-fashion' and pulled off his sopping wet big boy underwear.  I wrapped a fresh diaper around him as he looked at me with a confused look and I smiled at him, thinking to myself, "little man, your Mom is on top of things... don't you worry."